A shadow of the original

Sometimes the loss of my father hasn’t sunk in yet with me.  Its bern over a month since he passed.  The last few days however, I think its starting to hit me with the realization that he is truly gone.

A few days ago, I drove his suv around the block.  Keep in mind, im not an experienced driver.  Never had the need for a car.  Always had someone drive me around if needed.  Anyway,I wanted to drive his suv, so I can get some practice in.  My driving was ok.  Unfortunately my reversing skills are horrible.  As I was reversing into his parking space, I accidently dented the right side of his car because I was too close to the gate.  I felt so horrible and kept thinking “how could I be so stupid, and damage my dad’s pristine car”.  My mom tried and comforted me.  She mentioned if I did this mistake when my dad was alive, he would not be mad.  I felt a little better but still feel horrible about denting the car.

Today, I took my mom to her eye doctor appointment.  She cried a bit because the whole trip bought back memories of how my dad would regularly take her.  I took her to have a drink afterwards.  My mom and I did not really talk much.  As I was sitting there,  I realize I cant have the same type of conversations that my dad used to have with her.  It must be so hard on her without my dad around.  It sucks when half of your life is gone.  I cant really fathom how she feels.  I wish I could do more.  Unfortunately I’m also broken.  I need to fix myself before I can fix others.

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